“No video games today, OK.”
For about 10 minutes I thought the universe might actually implode after delivering that message to my 9 year old son who was diagnosed at 7 years old with ADHD – Inattentive type, and with High Functioning Autism (also known as Asperger Syndrome) at age 8.
Knowing this would stir up an intense emotional response, I suggested a few alternatives. It only frustrated him further which just irritated me. However, I chose to stand firm that he was going to spend the day unplugged! So I slightly turned, offered him a sincere smile and walked away. From countless experiences like these with my son, disengagement is the best and only option even though it feels awkwardly ambiguous.
He stomped on the worn out trail to his room at a snail’s pace, face fixed with a scowl, his hands nearly dragging the floor. I struggled to keep from chuckling; he totally reminded me of a Frankenstein/Eeyore mashup. At the heart level this behavior isn’t funny and I neither condone nor reward poor behavior. However, the award winning dramatic display of raw emotion radiating from his face and body was fantastically amusing. His squinty-eyed angry glare looming between the stair rails was executed with laser precision. To look away was my only defense against an outburst of untamable laughter. Please know that I am absolutely not making light of him or his struggles with ADHD or HFA. I do handle it best with a bit of humor though in order to bring some balance to my many concerns.
A few moments later he emerged from his room with a blanket, a piece of blank paper, some scotch tape, and a magic marker. I found him hiding underneath our computer desk inside the make-shift cave that he had erected for himself with his handmade “Do NOT Enter!” sign taped to the front of his blanket. I immediately knew why he chose not to make the cave in his room and chose to build it downstairs instead. Everyone was downstairs and even though he wanted to be alone to re-calibrate, he also did not want to be completely isolated upstairs. I was able to make that connection because that is exactly how I feel when I am in an extroverted social situation such as Church. Introverts like myself crave deep connection but often lack the necessary social skills, especially when random groups of people are just kind of hanging around chit chatting. My automatic response is to appear as if I am in a hurry to get somewhere important so people will not think I am avoiding them; which is actually what I am doing. It reduces my anxiety level to simply walk directly into the sanctuary and find my seat early or even arrive a few minutes late. I have this self protective strategy down to a science. I have become an expert at dodging social missals except for the point in the service when we are invited (code for being “volen-told“) to shake hands and greet those around us. That sets off my internal siren of blahhhh-eye-roll response. It sounds so negative I know! But seriously something physical happens to me in those moments, a wave of disdain washes over me as my heart starts to pound harder, and my breathing pattern gets all jerky. My private thoughts are…”I already sort of know these people! Do I even have anything genuine to say that won’t sound totally awkward?” Making eye contact is particularly excruciating in this exercise especially with people I just sort of know. I dread standing by myself like a statue while everyone around me has instantaneously engaged with all of the other humans. I can not describe the relief I feel when we all get to sit down again so I can just blend back into my chair. I am one hundred percent aware of how unhealthy this is; so I continue to pray for God to untangle my faulty wiring. My responsibility is to believe that God can and will bring healing. Meanwhile, God is teaching me so much on this journey to complete recovery. Hebrews 10:25 is most often quoted when people mention their own personal struggles with attending church…”And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” It may seem conflicting that I wholeheartedly believe that to be true. Even so, my spiritual gifts are compassion and encouragement and I am at my best and full of joy when I am able to utilize them. Yet the “how” is left out of the “why” in that verse, so I have always wrestled with it in conjunction with having social anxiety. How am I or those like me supposed to get excited about joining a community group? Just the very thought of sitting around with a group of people that I do not really know but am expected to become ultra close to over time is a slow form of torture for me.
I prefer quiet solitude to gain personal rejuvenation, yet desire real connection and belonging with others. For those like me, an ideal social situation is one to one conversation, or to be with no more than two or three other people, especially if meeting new people. My struggle is in the navigation of groups, yet the word “church” is Biblically defined as – A group of Christians (see also Christian); church is a biblical word for “assembly.” It can mean any of the following: (1) All Christians, living and dead. … (4) An individual congregation of Christians meeting in one building; also the building itself. Therefore, the extroverted nature and culture of modern Church would greatly benefit from a fresh awareness and understanding for those in the congregation who simply are introverted or may struggle with the complexities of social anxiety. Without a doubt, there are countless other Christians hiding out in their own darkened caves for various reasons, but we all desperately need the village of our Christian community!
I would love your in-put, thoughts, suggestions and ideas!
Thank you for reading and sharing,
Crystal Bosse –
Christ died so that we could be one body! This old song by Burlap to Cashmere titled Anybody Out There?, is quite fitting.
Momentary and Light 
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